pinellas28

Forgot I had this fucking thing!


OH WELL!!! Things are awesome right now, couldn't ask for more! I really must wonder though, how long will it last? Just gotta keep thinkin' happy thoughts I guess! lol

Things have...calmed down, its not as bad as before, thankfully. Today was ok, hung out with peoples and I seen something that kinda broke my heart even more then it already is, but shit happens! I've just gotten home and i'm very sleepy...So I shall head to bed!

These last couple of days have been something else. No words can discribe how i feel, even if I could explain it, I probably wouldn't. Untill I have what I need, what I long for, I will not write in this journal. So Good-bye, and, I'll dream about you I will not doubt you with the passing of time ...Just aslong as you remember me. For longer then forever I'll hold you in my heart, I love you britt, thank you...

Things are good
In and out of the hospital
Spending time with Chris
Looking after Nikki and Peanut
My B-day and the fair is just around the corner! YAY 16...2 and a half weeks...
Feeling lazy, going to sleep...

Its not like I don't love, I'm just not that kind of person. I'm sitting at home...Missing out on the night, why? Because you made me like this, when I say 'this'. I mean, fucking pissed off, well, not anymore, I'm more upset now, but before! I was angry...

Today I played Base ball with Kat, Britt and her brother...Twas fun...

I just don't understand, what am I doing wrong?

Drunk and I'm feeling down, and I just wanna be alone. I'm pissed cause you came around, why don't you just go home. Cause you channel all your pain and I can't help to fix myself, your making me insane
All I can say is. I tried to help you once, a kiss will only vise, I saw you going down, but you never realized. That your, drowning in the water, so I offered you my hand, Compassions in my nature, tonight is our last dance...I tear my heart open, I sow myself shut, my weakness is that I care too much. My scars remind me that the past is real, I tear my heart open just to feel. I can't help you fix yourself, But at least I can say I tried. I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life...

Why can't things just be better?

I’m really sick right now and things just feel really out of place I DON’T KNOW WHY!!!....I just…I’m…WOW…I’m snapping at everyone…I wanna tell him SOO BAD! Its eating me up inside…It’s supposed to feel good! I WANNA SCREAM!!…So many different things are bothering me!!...I’m going to bed…

Not much to say… just got off the phone with Tim. Kyle never came today, lack of communication I guess. My boyfriend stopped by to do some business with Stephie, then he went downtown Toronto, I’m guessing for the night. I really hope he’s ok, I can’t help but always worry and I do it because I really care, sometimes to much…

From your head down to your toes,
you’re not much, goodness knows.
But you’re so, precious to me,
Sweet as can be, baby of mine…

That has to be one of the cutest Disney songs out there…


If your wondering why i'm not talking to you 3 ladies...It's because I know what you did, I know what you said. It makes me sick because I litarly thought you were better then all of that...I guess we'll never know why you wanna fit in so much. But thanks for saying shit and bringing my name up, I'll let you in on a little something, something. NOTHING IN BROOKLIN...NOTHING, gets past me...WATCH what you say...WATCH who you say it to, it'll always get back to me...

Whats happening to us?...Its all falling apart...

I posted this in my Hi5 thingy. It pretty much says everything about my night...

Was feeling really icky so I crawled into bed with my Christopher's sweater and fell asleep. Lola and I chilled for awhile, but I was just feeling so shitty! She left, I had a long nap and then Chris stopped by to make sure I was ok. Ended up staying with me, because hes a good boyfriend and he deserves a cookie for being so damn cute! THEN I came online to chit chat and share the news that my tummy is starting to feel better!! Thank you My Lola and Chris <3 What would I do without yous?.....<3

Chris stop saying things that will only get my hopes up and when they are up I think you enjoy making them crash...

Today was awesome! Went shopping with Stephie and her big sister Jen...then later on in the day, hung with Chris, flex, maddi, My Lola, froggy and other peoples...to many to list...YESSUM!! Fun fun fun! This weekend, its going to be so nice out!

Kiss me and smile for me, tell me that you'll wait for me, hold me like you'll never let me go...Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane, don't kno when I'll be back again...hahaha...I'm having fun!

To end the night I watched some TV at Chris's and yeah...His dad knows i'm 15 and is being soo accepting!! Plus my mom and grandma see how good Chris is doing and they are starting to like him. No more family stress when it comes to our relationship! Its awesome!!

Chris woke me up and wanted to chill, I said no because I wanted to see my ladies. Kat, Brit, Leanne, Irene and Elliott...We all ended up at Leannes jumping on her tramp. (HAHA)Then Leanne's mom made me and Kat dinner at like 8ish it was awesome! Had alot of fun...Then me and Kat walked home around 9ish Kat went her way, I went mine, Bumped into Chris. He wasn't pleased I was walking alone in the dark. But whatever, Chris, Mason, Flex, and his g/f...maddi? ended up chillin' on my deck for an hour. Maddi is really nice...Had fun just talking...now i'm sitting here, thinking, today was ok! WELL NOT ALL OF TODAY! My Lola was sad!! It breaks my heart because I love her so much!!! I wanted to just hug her while she cried, but I couldn't reach her...I love her so much!!!

SAVE THE PLATAPUSS!! IRENE I LOOOVVVEEEE YOOOUUU HAHAHA

I'm going to go get some sleep, LONG day!

DON'T FUCKING SAY I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT YOU WHEN YOU KNOW I KNOW MORE ABOUT YOU THEN ANY OF YOUR 'FRIENDS'...FUCK YOU!!! I'LL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU! YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING!!!...Maybe I don't know you like THEY do, but I think that's for the best. Why do you do shit like this to me? You know I'm just worried about you...JUST LISTEN TO ME!

Christopher and I spent time together and I had school! Other then that, today was boreing!!! SO! I shall talk about yesterday...
I spent most of my time with Sean, Irene ditched me (She doesn't love me!:(...), so Sean called and picked me up. We went to the skate park cause Sean had Kristen's sweater and he was returning it, plus I wanted to tell Chris I was hanging with Sean for most of the night...Later on after Kristen and Sean had it out, Kat Sean and I Went to walmart and got some dinner! Was fun! I missed my Kat so much!!! After all of that Chris came and seen me <3 WAS AWESOME!
My poor Lola is sick! I shall draw her a pretty picture tonight! <3! BRITT I MISS YOU! I miss all you ladies...

Notice me, take my hand
Why are we strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me

Everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you, baby

I make believe that you are here
It's the only way I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy

And everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you, baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song's my sorry

At night I pray
That soon your face will fade away

And everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you, baby

I'm watching Peanut! fun fun! I miss my Lola...and my Christopher is probably hung over! Oh what fun...I'm going to Irene's tonight with paul so we can jam! It's gonna be awesome! Peanut fell asleep in my arms and I just made her a bed on the couch! awwe, shes so cute when shes sleeping...and not yelling, or bitting, or running around in pointless circles knocking random things over! Ohhh...Too be one again! psssh...I'm fine being 16! Kat sent me the song Slipped Away, its pretty, the lyrics are sweet! Anyways! I should work on a piano part for our new song and see if that'll help when we get to Irene's! This should prove to be...Interesting, Paul...Irene? On the same side? I think I shall bring a camera so everyone can see with their own eyes!! AWWE! Kimi and me are going to sew something! It's like! A sewing date! AWWE

Yesterday paul and I had a bannana/melon fight! the house still smells like old fruit! hahaha it was in our hair...mushed onto the ceiling! I mean, PEOPLES! We are talking about a seriouse mess! Hahahaha ANYWAYS!!! SONG WRITING! YES! C'mon Katie! GO GO GO! ...You know what that reminds me of? Goose, kinda like a geese...BUT ITS G-O-O-S-E...:) I wonder what my Lola is doing right now...Hmmm...I'm going to sing to myself...So Imust be on my way! I feel like watching Smallville...NO KATIE! GO PLAY YOUR F*CKING PIANO!!!!!....Fine :( I talked myself into it!

Na na
Na na na na na
I miss you
Miss you so bad
I don't forget you
Oh it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same oh
Na na
Na na na na na
I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on your hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't oh oh oh oh oh
I hope you can hear me
Cause I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same oh
I've had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake it
It happened you passed by
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somehow you're not coming back
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same oh
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same oh
Na na
Na na na na na
I miss you

Its honestly not going to work...
How could I think things would ever be the same? It's a waiting game, what happens is not my call. I hope it does work out, but you know those feelings you get when you just KNOW something bad is going to happen? I just can't help but feel it...

Nothing is really new, I hung with Kat and my Christopher today…Yes, people, I’m dating Chris now! Long story…Blah blah blah

OH! I seen Sean today…He’s going to give me a call and we are going to chill sometime soon! He’s doing well, which is awesome…

Britt and I are having a super lesbian sex fest tomorrow night...SCORE! I love my Lola! Things are surprisingly ok at the moment!

I should be on my way though, I’m sleepy…

IRENE YOU SMELL LIKE URINE!!! HAHAHAHA...ok!...I'm bored! Last night my mom caught steve drinking in my room...Didn't help that will, britt, kat and chris were already trashed...Oh man! IRENE YOU BITCH I LOVE YOU!!!!....OK! WELL....I'm feeling better now adays...I can only complain about being sick, but whatever, its all good I guess!

I GOTTA URINATE! And where the fuck is sean?! Whatever happend to...'I'll call you back!"...Heh

He'll call back...They always do...

Last night my lola and I went to mickey D's with sean! OMG! Talk about funny!
My uncel is redoing my bathroom...Tlak about swearing..."FUCKING COCK SUCKING STUPID FUCKING SHIT!!! I'M GOING TO SMASH IT!"...Oh god...Doesn't help a headache...

I'M EXCITED ABOUT THE SUMMER!!!!

Yell and scream...just fucking try to drag me down! All of you mother fuckers! I'm sick of it! I'll punch you in your fucking face! I won't cry over your shit anymore! I'll wake with a smile on my face! I love you My lola, Kat, Britt, Irene, Leanne...DON'T ANYONE FUCK WITH US!

Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight? Don't you see if you dance with the Devil your going to get shot! What ever are we going to do? Oh yes, good idea but Pray you, stand farther from me. Your scent is intoxicating and I have little time. Do you want to know the truth? The truth is laughter sounds more perfect than weeping. Laughter flows in violent riff and is effortlessly melodic. Weeping is often fought, chocked, half strained, or surrendered to with humiliation. Believe me? No? Well then. As soon as people are old enough to know better they know nothing at all. And you, you must be old enough to know better. Well aren't you? I thought so. The wine has no taste, the food sickens you, there seems no meaning for any of it does there? But what if I could give it all back to you? Would you accept? That’s what I thought. Seize the day: 'cause tomorrow you may be dead. Do you hear what I am saying? You haven’t learned anything, have you? You're more incorrigible then you were before. Oh how sad, how horrid a person like you more hopeless then before. Oh look at the time! Look for yourself, yes it’s so late, I do hope you have learned something from this brief encounter! But I must be off for now. I'm late I'm late for a very important date, no time to say hello! Goodbye! I'm late. But I do have one request before I leave... Kiss me, Kiss me Hard.

KIMI I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!!...

Isn't she funny peoples?

When it itches I scratch, when I scratch it bleeds. I cry from the fact I know. I’ve always known; good things never last forever, unless you’re staring in a Disney movie. The fraise happy ending means nothing; it will eventually bleed into a lie, revealing the truth regarding the untruthful actions of others, the pain. You cry until it burns the burning of red and slightly swollen skin. When I dream I feel real, when I awaken I scream for away out of the nightmare, always feeling so small in what appears to be so big. Hushing and always calming you. I couldn’t care less for your lies, in the end. The truth was undoubting, it was told. Pass me; let me hold my breath until I fall to your feet, gazing up at you, why does this hurt so badly? The candles burn, I stare out into the night counting each star that magically appears in front of my watering eyes. The street stays quite even though it’s busy with cars, so alive yet, so dead in the moonlight. If you cared, you’d to notice, I’m thinking of you. For each star I could repeat a lie. Lying in front of me, the universe; a pile of dirty unforgettable lies.


OK! Now that I have that out of myself, I’d like to say…I’m doing better, I’m still sad. I guess that’s life though…

I should get some rest, my home schooling starts tomorrow. G’night! <3

---> I LOVE YOU 2 KIMI!!!!!! <---

As I sit here waiting for the sun to come up, I can't stop thinking of him. His face, the way he tastes, how safe I felt while he held me. How beautiful one man could make me feel, it's all over though. He said I was...I can't even explain or tell it. It just doesn't feel real right now, nothing feels real. I hate myself, I fucked up again! Whats fucking wrong with me?!? I HATE MYSELF, I ruined the only bit of happiness I had left in my life. I begged, I told him not now, it would only make things worse! Now the only thing I can do is cry...But, If hes happy. Like he claims, and this is better for him. Then i'm fine with it, aslong as i'm not hurting him, bothering him, making him angry, annoying him, getting in his way. I wasn't much of a girlfriend. More like an annoying little sister. Somedays I cry, tonight I painfully scream from the heartbreak. I've lost...I've lost what I thought was everything. Its like a dream, I'm breathless from the thought of waking up. I miss him, its my own fault though...I wish things didn't have to be this way...So I'll continue sitting here feeling sorry, feeling like I made his life hard and shitty. My tummy hurts so fucking bad right now! I'm going to be sick, I swear this is the worst feeling in the world. My eyes are burning from the tears, I'll leave this alone now...

I'm sorry for yelling at you about cutting Kimi. I'm as weak as you are, I gave into the 'itch'...mhm...Sadly the one person I care about the most in my life found out. He was far from happy, Because I care for him and I kno he cares for me. I'm stopping, just like smoking, Its over. Although I think a mental habbit I've had for years now, is going to be rough to quit altogether... but for him, I'll do it, I promised! I've been so upset lately! Who knows what about anymore. My home schooling starts weds. Hmm, this should be...Different? Brandon is so mad at me he just called, he thinks I need time to myself tomorrow, that or with some friends. I never regret things that I do! Evenk the stupid things, I believe it makes life...life...But when I seen the look on his face. I'd take it allback in a moment, I hurt someone...by hurting myself. Damn, I can't stop thinking about him...I'm going to think about him untill tomorrow and yeah, I'll probably cry myself to sleep tonight while thinking about him, I feel like doing it right now. He means so much to me...and I fucked up, I wasn't thinking. OK! enough about that...

I got my 'The Crow' Hoodie, my brother joey got it fro hot topic for me!! What would I do without joey? I love him, he always makes sure me and paul have things we want. At lest he trys, which is fucking good, not to mention he lives soooo far away! I've been talking to patricia alot lately! I love her, shes awesome. I wanna see her soon, But I'm sick so it might not happen anytime soon.

....Brandon...I can't stop thinking about it...I think i'll go and try to sleep, that way I can dream about him NOT being mad at me...

"Tonight And The Rest Of My Life"

Down to the earth I fell
With dripping wings
Heavy things won't fly
And the sky might catch on fire
And burn the axis of the world
That's why I prefer a sunless sky
To the glittering and stinging in my eyes

I feel so light
This is all I want to feel tonight
I feel so light
Tonight and the rest of my life

Gleaming in the dark sea
I'm as light as air
Floating there breathlessly
When the dream dissolves
I open up my eyes
I realize that
Everything is shoreless sea
A weightlessness is passing over me

I feel so light
This is all I want to feel tonight
I feel so light
Tonight and the rest of my life

Everything is waves and stars
The universe is resting in my arms

I feel so light
This is all I want to feel tonight
I feel so light
Tonight and the rest of my life

I feel so light
This is all I want to feel tonight
I feel so light
Tonight and the rest of my life

Good night....<3